1
I had a blind date with a dentist – and he told me to come back in six months.Joan Rivers
2
People say it is not the key to happiness, but I have always figured if you have enough money you can have a key made.Joan Rivers
3
I said, "Is there! " I told him there is a Mafia school where they teach them math – if Johnny has ten fingers and they cut off two, how many does he have left?Joan Rivers
4
Somehow, some way, every person in the arts has to find an accommodation with disappointment and embarrassment. They are the pollen in the air we breathe.Joan Rivers
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It gathers emotionally inside you, in a strange way a by-product of struggle, of a willingness to do anything, try anything, expose yourself to anything – staying in motion because sooner or later those ripples will cause change.Joan Rivers
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Laughing made me feel safe. I was not going to be enveloped by the seediness that coated this world like dust.Joan Rivers
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When you begin to losing your audience, do not get loud; get quiet, make them find you and come back to you.Joan Rivers
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I am driven. Being driven is my energy source. It is my fun.… I believe that where there is action, there is movement, and those ripples will eventually produce something positive.Joan Rivers
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The revelation that personal truth can be the foundation of comedy, that outrageousness can be cleansing and healthy…Joan Rivers
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The act of creation fascinates me. You can only sit with blank page and wait. You cannot press a button, cannot program it.Joan Rivers
11
Everything comes out of smoke and mist and nothingness, a mystical happening…Joan Rivers
12
Liked" was the kiss of death. "Loved" or "hated" interested him. At least the performer had aroused emotion.Joan Rivers
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Maybe that is why in my comedy I try and puncture the hypocrisy all around us, why it is almost a crusade with me to strip life down to what really is true.Joan Rivers
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…but I think comedy is more aggressive than that. It is a medium for revenge. We can deflate and punish the pomposity and the rejection which hurt us. Comedy is power.Joan Rivers
15
…you either do or do not have a comedy mind, whatever that is, maybe a heightened sense of the ridiculous and the absurdity of life… We are all crazy and crazed.Joan Rivers
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I have become my own version of an optimist. If I can't makeit through one door, I'll go through another door -- or I'llmake a door. Something terrific will come no matter how darkthe present.Joan Rivers
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A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.Joan Rivers
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I hate McDonald's. I don't want to order my dinner by yelling into a clown's mouth. If I want my face in a clown's mouth, I'll tongue kiss Glenn Beck.Joan Rivers
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I do a lot of lectures on survival. I always say you can't change what happened, so have a little wallow, feel very sorry for yourself, and then get up and move forward. You can't change what happened.Joan Rivers
20
She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.Joan Rivers
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It's been so long since I made love I can't even remember who gets tied up.Joan Rivers
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Looking fifty is great - if you're sixty.Joan Rivers
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I hate Billings Montana. They have a fashion show at Sears Roebuck - no models. You open a catalog and point.Joan Rivers
24
Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit the stores are open late and thanks to television you can shop in bed.Joan Rivers
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I hate housework! You make the beds you do the dishes - and six months later you have to start all over again.Joan Rivers
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I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over he would have put diamonds on the floor.Joan Rivers
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He loves to eat - he puts mayonnaise on an aspirin.Joan Rivers
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I take him to McDonald's just to watch him eat and see the numbers change.Joan Rivers
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He has more chins than a Chinese phone book.Joan Rivers
30
We Can't Afford to Doubt Ourselves I have become my own version of an optimist. If I can't make it through one door I'll go through another door-or I'll make a door. Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present.Joan Rivers
31
I felt a comedy ego beginning to grow which gave me the courage to begin tentatively looking into myself for material.Joan Rivers
32
With plastic surgery, the general anesthetic is like a black-velvety sleep, and that's what death is - without waking up to someone clapping and going, 'Joan, wake up, it's all over and you're looking pretty'.Joan Rivers
33
Every comedian is furious. Age makes me angry. I'm unhappy at not being able to open packages anymore. I'm angry that libraries have gone. I hate children on planes. I'm very shallow, so they tend to be little things. To be honest, I think I was probably angry the day I was born, you know, about diapers or something.Joan Rivers
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Comedy is learning to be funny, and you learn to be funny in small rooms with young audiences.Joan Rivers
35
Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favorite food is seconds.Joan Rivers
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My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.Joan Rivers
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I enjoy life when things are happening. I don't care if it's good things or bad things. That means you're alive.Joan Rivers
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Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present.Joan Rivers
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Yeah, I read history. But it doesn't make you nice. Hitler read history, too.Joan Rivers
40
Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.Joan Rivers
41
If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.Joan Rivers
42
Diets, like clothes, should be tailored to you.Joan Rivers
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My mother loved entertaining, and I've followed suit, so we have big celebrations for New Year, Passover, Thanksgiving and birthdays.Joan Rivers
44
Trust me, there's not one night a week I'm not in a theater somewhere. I adore theater, and I go out with friends, so I do have some nights off.Joan Rivers
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The ideal beauty is a fugitive which is never found.Joan Rivers
46
Part of my act is meant to shake you up. It looks like I'm being funny, but I'm reminding you of other things. Life is tough, darling. Life is hard. And we better laugh at everything; otherwise, we're going down the tube.Joan Rivers
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I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.Joan Rivers
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I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.Joan Rivers
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Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It's all funny. Next. Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things.Joan Rivers
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Never floss with a stranger.Joan Rivers
51
Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be.Joan Rivers
52
I've learned from my dealings with Johnny Carson that no matter what kind of friendship you think you have with people you're working with, when the chips are down, it's all about business.Joan Rivers
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Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.Joan Rivers
54
I had a friend who was a plastic surgeon, so he would do little things. I never had, like, a full thing. So I would go in maybe once every two or three years, and he'd do a little here, a little there; tweak you, like you tweak your car. Then I became the plastic surgery poster girl.Joan Rivers
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The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.Joan Rivers
56
I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'Joan Rivers
57
I truly think comedy is - being funny is DNA. My dad was a doctor, a wonderful doctor, and people still come up to me today, 'Your father helped my mother die.' You know what I'm saying? He made her laugh 'til she died. My father was always very funny.Joan Rivers